I’m going to come up with as many as possible off the top of my head, so this is a kind of Rorschach test answer. What could possibly go wrong?

  • Java - When your company believes programmers should be CISCO certified… CHOOSE JAVA!
  • JavaScript - Has the hot new framework/library/pattern come out yet today?
  • Python - We are all the same and the same we all are.
  • PHP - I was cool back when web apps were cool!
  • Ruby - Do you Rails? We all Rails. You should Rails too.
  • C# - Hi, I’m Visual Studio. I’m your best friend.
  • Lisp - Functional Programming superiority without any production use.
  • Haskell - So I was writing my PhD thesis…
  • Scala - What would happen if we took every idea and put it in a bucket named Scala?
  • Go - When you can’t be bothered by long compile times, Go will save you.
  • Objective-C - Apple made me do it.
  • Swift - Apple made me do it.
  • Kotlin - Google made me do it.
  • F# - Microsoft made me… wait, nobody uses F# anyway.
  • COBOL - I will outlive you all!
  • Perl - Regex + Regex = Regex
  • Smalltalk - So cool that it disappeared off the face of the planet never to be seen again.
  • R - I do math.
  • Dart - Google wanted to own JavaScript. And it would have worked if not for those meddling kids.
  • Rust - I hate you and all your bad habits. Want to write some code?
  • Lua - Do you want to script a game?
  • C++ - When you want something fast, complex, and fast.
  • Assembly - Say hi to the CPU for me!
  • C - I get no respect.

Well that was fun. I’m sure I missed a few, but if I made you mad this was all in good silly fun, so calm down and drink some water or something.